A Sample Edit (Stage Script)

“Brevity is the soul of wit.”

So sayeth Polonius, in William Shakespeare’s tragedy, Hamlet.

In a rather pedantic and wordy speech where he makes this statement, Polonius (father of Ophelia and Laertes) is advising his listener, Claudius, (and the audience) that being brief will get to the heart of the matter.

In other words, cut out the unnecessary words and get to the point.

While revising my two-act stage play, I joked about how easy it was to tell that I’m a novelist, not a playwright.  How did I come by this observation?  The obvious culprit is the word count – as I revised my script, I cut some lines down from twenty words to ten.  The line still conveyed what I wanted it to say, but it was concise, it was clear, and, more importantly, understood.

Look at the image to the right:

Original draft.

The dialogue between Catamitus and Melpomene is incredibly wordy, more suited to a novel than a script.  Whether it’s a screenplay or a stage play, the dialogue must be crisp, tight and minimal to do its work.

While some scriptwriters/playwrights can get away with wordy passages, it’s in part because A. They’ve been writing a long time in that form and know the rules and how to use them or break them; and B. The language is still concise and to the point.

Scripts are for a visual medium, whether it’s for the screen or for the stage – the audience is presented with subtext that can be seen via the actors and the cameras.  There is no need for the narrative filler, as in a short story or novel – the director and the actors bring that to life through trial and error in rehearsal.

Let’s take a look at the revised version of the scene:

Revised draft.

Compare the original draft with the revised version to the left.  Notice that the lines have been revised and arranged differently.

Did the intent change from Original Draft to the Revised Version?

No, the intent is still the same between Catamitus and Melpomene – resolving the confusion surrounding the issue of hotel reservations.  Notice how the dialogue has been broken up, refined and shortened – when in performance, the dialogue is snappy, almost coming one on top of the other.

That is the purpose of revision – to produce a maximum image or emotion while using the minimum amount of words.  Whether it’s a script or a short story or a novel, less is more and writing is constant re-writing.

A Sample Edit (Web Page)

In this post, I’ll be demonstrating a before and after of a sample text from the About page of a restaurant.
After examining several other pages for a similar type of business, I decided to use this mock-up version:
The Blue Suede Shoe Bar is an environment for enjoying peaceful conversations either inside, or, on the patio, while enjoying our food offerings and sipping on excellent wines, ports, beers, and/or spirits.  Our wine list has been carefully crafted to provide excellent wines at reasonable prices.  Our list features a mix of ‘by the glass’ and ‘by the bottle’ reds.  All of our delicious whites are ‘by the glass’.  Many are wines that one can find nowhere else except the vineyard itself! Expect to taste great wine.
We offer fantastic music six nights each week with a focus on quality singer-songwriters, duos, and the occasional trio, the musical entertainment is designed to enhance your enjoyment of those you are with but not overwhelm it (having said that, we do occasionally let the hair down and bring in a band that ‘cranks it out’!).  Music is usually performed from 8:30pm-10:30pm Wednesday, Friday, and Saturday.  On Mondays and Sundays music is typically 6:30pm-8:30pm.  Thursdays are an eclectic mix of music and spoken word (please call to discover what is scheduled for ‘your’ Thursday!).  The spoken word will be called Blue Suede Shoe Tales. This will be true life, first person story-telling. Working in conjunction with a local and the wildly successful Storytelling Festival we will provide an environment in which to perfect the art.
Something a little bit special in downtown, we hope that you come and enjoy this ‘Casually Elegant’ space.

The above example is giving a lot of good and detailed information of what is offered at this restaurant, but it is broadly written.  This can easily be too overwhelming for a potential customer, who may be quickly scanning the web for a place to eat.  In many cases, the customer would skip over that site and go on to the next one.

Simplicity is best.

Taking the same information, I’ve distilled and presented it this way:
Located downtown, the Blue Suede Shoe is the hot-spot for good food, excellent wines and local and guest musicians to display their talents.
From Wednesday to Sunday, the piano keys are tickled in time with guitar and drums, bringing original songs and covers from other bands.
Tuesdays are reserved for trivia, wherein knowledge of the minutiae is a highly coveted skill.  For each round won, a team of six receives free shots made specifically for the game.  At the end, the winning team of the game overall are served a fruit and cheese platter with chocolate cake.
Outdoor patio seating provides a lovely ambiance for dinner and drinks.  The wines are carefully selected by the owner from California wineries.  There are a mixture of wines available sold by the glass or by the bottle and, whichever you choose, you won’t be disappointed.  A cocktail list is currently being revised, to accompany the standard choices.
For an eclectic and casually elegant dining experience, the Blue Suede Shoe Bar is that something a little bit special you might be looking for.

See the difference?  The same information, presented differently, creates two very different pictures of the same restaurant.

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